---

Hej alle,

Ja jeg undskylder på forhånd, men den er altså lidt sjov.

Mange hilsner
-Benedikte (der stadig ikke har fået en kat, og derfor må "nøjes" med sin
hund)

PS: Det er altså en beagle og ifølge en hundeadfærdsmand er beaglefolk
hundeejere der ikke har fundet ud af, at det er en kat de gerne vil have




HOW TO BATHE THE CAT
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand
on lids, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus
from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this).
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is
quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as
possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where it will
air dry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

---

Apropos:

How to give a cat a pill:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

How to give a dog a pill:
1) Wrap it in bacon.

---

Dear Lord........ Please watch over our humans, they are so weak.



They have no claws or teeth, they can't run fast or fly away, neither can
they burrow or build a nest in which to be safe.

They smell bad, do strange things that aren't altogether intelligent, have
no real ability to communicate with us, although we are able to figure out
what they want.

Lord, grant us the ability to watch over our humans, care for them, cheer
them when they are down, make them laugh, smile, and shower them with our
love.

We pray that we can bring a little joy in to their otherwise mundane
existence...

Lord, please let them know that when we insist on getting attention, it is
so we can check their emotional well being and boost their morale.

When we pester them for different foods, toys, etc., it is so they will
learn to see us in ways they had not considered, bringing them closer and
back into the fold...which they are part of but keep forgetting about. They
expect us to know what they want even though sometimes they don't know what
we want.

Some of them really try and we know they love us but some of them do not yet
our love for them remains intensely unfaltering.

Lord, when we die, please make sure to send us ahead to where ever our
humans are going to be, so we can pave the way for them, vouch for them and
be there for them when they, too, die....

Please allow us to continue proving the humans are worth the effort.

You placed these humans in dominion over us, but you charged us with the
task of caring for them and showing them your love every one of them.

God bless these mere mortal humans, they know not that we are their guardian
angels sent in love to task them so that they may grow to be part of your
plan. You and Us God.. we'll bring them back into the fold... You and Us.



Author unknown

---

It is reported that the following part of the Book of Genesis was discovered
in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question,
"Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday.
Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me
to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will
accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good
animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And
Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new
animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam
was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it come to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord
and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens
like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.

And the Lord said, " No problem! I will create for him a companion who will
be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind
him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of
adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.