århhh manner jeg gjorde "noget" i mine bukser af
grin da jeg læste denne her
knus
Marianne
Hellemose Somali
skatkat@telefona.dk
Some people have lives, -others have cats
----- Original Message -----
From: <sukhotai@juno.com>
To: <fanciers@yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Thursday, October 18, 2001 6:23 PM
Subject: [FAN] Cat Resolutions
> Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 07:27:14 -0400
> Subject: Cat Resolutions
>
> For Cat people...these are hilarious!
> I think it was written by someone in England.
>
>
>
> Cat Resolutions
>
> I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth,
> especially when my human's grandmother is over.
>
> My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.
>
> I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily vacated,
> and
> then bite my human on the bum when she sits back down.
>
> I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my
> human has finished watching a horror movie.
>
> I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off,
> freeze
> my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare
> odours.
> My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not
> appreciate
> it, especially in front of company.
>
> I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
>
> I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to
> stuff
> them down the sink's drain.
>
> I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big
> White
> Drinking Bowl.
>
> I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke
> them
> up
> so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
>
> I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt
> right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the
> stuff
> out of my fur.)
>
> I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl
> at
> NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
>
> When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two pinkish-brown things
> sticking
> up out of the bubbles in her chest region are NOT to be played with!
>
> I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the
> dog
> can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to
> wake
> up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own
> teeth.)
>
> I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
>
> I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the
> night,
> deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD
> yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."
>
> I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws extended. It
> seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.
>
> I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare
> into her eyes until she wakes up.
>
> We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
> Plains
> of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
>
> Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
>
> I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail
> fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.
>
> I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget
> this
> and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I
> will not get up and do the same thing again.
>
> I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase
> leaves.
>
> I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as
> my
> human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
>
> I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after
> sitting
> in my water bowl.
>
> I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubblebath and singe my Butt.
>
> I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something
> in
> it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to
> get
> the rubber cement out of my fur.
>
> If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
>
> It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it
> dissolves in boiling coffee.
>
> Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.
>
> When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite
> down
> on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
>
> When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not
> necessary to check every door.
>
> Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try
> to
> open it up to get the birds out.
>
> I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird
> feeder(with
> my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
>
>
> I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
>
> The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move
> out
> of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That
> does
> not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there
> and
> laugh.
>
> Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been
> for
> several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon
> Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.
>
> I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring
> in
> groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come
> true.
>
> When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to
> catch them.
>
> I will cease my obsession with the box my humans keep their condoms in.
> This
> box is not for me. I will not knock it on the ground, I will not sit on
> it,
> I
> will not try to scratch it open. Especially when my humans are using the
> condoms.
>
> I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room
> floor trying to do sit ups.
>
> When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a
> hammock.
>
> Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
>
> I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing
> a
> new board in her computer.
>
> I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the
> speaker
> phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
>
> I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
>
> I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emio
> gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
>
> Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and any
> wild
> critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the
> hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
>
> I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp
> hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
>
> I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to
> sleep
> once in a while.
>
> The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its
> bowl.
>
> I will not put a live vole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there
> until
> I get hungry.
>
> I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
>
> I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of
> the
> refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the
> underside.
>
> I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing
> things
> in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff
> that's there now like "MEAN!!", "BITER!!!", and "GET HELP!!!!!"
>
> I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal relationship
> between
> going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon and projectile vomiting Monday,
> and
> being brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up My Butt on
> Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't done the first, none of the
> other things would have happened.
>
> I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom
>
> I will not bat at my male human's family jewels while he is engaged in
> the
> act of mating with my female human, no matter how tempting the danglies
> are.
> My humans get mad and I might get free flying lessons.
>
> I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at
> 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
>
> I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase
> me
> or how hard they pull my tail.
>
> If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the
> scars
> resemble a botched suicide attempt.
>
> If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is
> much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as
> tasty.
>
> I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not
> get
> high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I
> will
> not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the
> tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or
> hair
> scrunchies when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
>
> After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but equally
> gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell where he's
> been,
> and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces.
>
> A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
Marianne
Hellemose Somali
skatkat@telefona.dk
Some people have lives, -others have cats
--
Marianne
Hellemose Somali
skatkat@telefona.dk
Some people have lives, -others have cats
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